The Faster Way to becoming a Sith Lord

Intermittent Fasting, Activate!

Form of an ice cube.  Shape of, a stray old dog that is really hungry and wants to bite everyone.

Is he eating a sandwich?  I hate him.


Yes, I am back for another try. This time I feel faster. I think I finally found an approach I might be able to live with. This might just work...but before I dive into the details, let's talk again about why I am even doing this.  

Firstly, and most important by far...fasting excites the midichlorians. It is scientifically proven that the true path to my Sith goals are squarely tied to my midichlorian count, and fasting increases those.  You can't argue with me, I am nearly a Sith Lord and I will only strike you down.

Science tends to frown upon the ways of the Force. They will tell you fasting enhances mitochondrial coordination with peroxisomes.  That basically means my powers will increase. Look at what it did for Phil Mickelson.  No, he hasn't really won any tournaments lately, but he did post shirtless photos on Instagram and let's be honest, isn't that the goal everyone should really be after?

So what will fasting do for you, my fellow middle-aged warrior?

Lose weight? Check.  

Promotes longevity? Your a daisy if you do!

Boost brain function? I am pretty sure my brain function has a low ceiling but hey it might help you.

Promotes detoxification? I believe this means my body will rid itself of light side particles and replace them with my preferred dark side particles all while preventing me from getting drunk while doing so.

The bottom line is this. There are proven benefits. They can't be argued. It effectively fights aging by causing the body to break down the unhealthy, damaged cells and replace them with new improved cells that also allow you to levitate objects. If you are interested do a few Google searches. The claims are pretty incredible if they are even fractionally true. This is not the blog anyone seeks out for hard core facts.  No, this blog is about fighting mortality using every tool available. This fasting thing might just be another tool for the belt.

The best thing about fasting is when your not doing it. More to the point, no counting calories...no restricted foods...just do your thing and don't do more than you would have if not fasting.  It is seriously that easy.  Keep everything else the same and you will cut calories.  Cut calories, cut pounds, become cool like Phil. Like candy from a baby. A jedi baby before I strike it down in the Jedi Temple.

Ok, maybe that is a little dark. It must be working already!!!!

So back to the whole approach thing. Let's recap the options:

  • 16:8  This is what I have been doing since Monday.  16 hours fasting, 8 hours eat whatever you would as a normal person.  Every day.  See, I can do this.  The weekend has me nervous though.  So.  Much.  Football.  So.  Much.  Thirsty.  So many things with cheese.
  • 5:2  Eat normally 5 days per week and restrict calories below 500 on the other two.  You lost me at counting calories.  There is no room for math on this blog.
  • Warrior diet  Fast during the day other than fruits and vegetables, huge meal at night.  Obviously I was drawn to this as it has "Warrior" in the name and I want to be one of those.  I don't know though, the whole fruits and vegetables seems like a lot of work during the day.  This feels too close to a diet.  A restricted one.  We don't do diets on NoEggs and Ham.  We wash down bacon with beer.
  • Eat stop eat  A 24 hour fast once or twice a week.  This is my backup plan if the 16:8 goes down in flames this weekend.  Just know I have tried this and you have never seen 24 hours go that slow in your life.  It is possible I committed violent crimes during those 24 hour windows.  It is possible I woke up in the forest chewing on sticks.  It is possible I did many things...unspeakable things...to try and survive 24 hours.  Try it.  Seems easy right?  Now try it twice a week for multiple weeks and tell me you aren't in a very dark place.  A place where everyone is trying to steal your luck charms.
  • Spontaneous meal skipping  Come on, can you really call this a fast?  This seems like everyone gets a trophy for finishing last.  Your fast or your last Ricky Bobby.  There are no participation trophies in this blog and I am declaring this fasting approach fake news. 
So I can feel your thoughts (my midichorides are pretty excited right now).  How can you, the feeble reader of this blog, succeed at this and be on your way to world domination?  

How the hell would I know? This isn't an advice blog. I mostly write gear reviews for surviving being an old dude and reflect on how much it sucks to be an old dude.  

Ok, maybe that is hasty. I will give you one piece of advice. There is always one piece of advice.   No more.  No less.  Group misery, that's the ticket.  Simple group misery. Somehow it becomes a bit of a challenge when you have a group, and I do thrive on the competitive pressure. I am currently using a free app called Life that is pretty alright. It has a ton of information on fasting but more importantly it has a timer and private groups. If interested grab the app and shoot me an email. I will get you added to the fasting circle and you too can enjoy mocking my failure safely from the privacy of your phone.  There are a million fasting apps and I have no reason to think this one is better than any other but I like it.  Here is the link if you want to try it and join my Sith council:  https://lifeapps.io/apps/life-fasting-tracker/

If you really need more proof, this was me Sunday prior to starting the 16:8 schedule:

Who has been fiddling with the thermostat?


This is me Thursday night, all conditions identical...a mere four days in to fasting.  The transformation is amazing!  

BRING BACK NCAA FOOTBALL!  I need to own all the peeps!


Let's make mortality our b@#ch!

Disclaimer:  I can not be legally sued for any information in here that is blatantly wrong because I have no money.  Also, I am wearing scrubs today for Halloween so I am basically a doctor.

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